I never really could pin point the first time I felt anxious. When things were messy in my room, I would start to panic and immediately begin picking things up, making piles and sorting them in their proper place. Order is key in my mind and if things were out of order I felt out of place. In high school, tests made me feel anxious and I could have studied for hours every night a week before the test and suddenly the day would come and I'd forget everything I had worked so hard for. It would make me so frustrated and upset.
When I became a Mom to Lily, I immediately felt calm and relief that she was here, that I would guide her and help her become her true self. It didn't take long for months to fly by and I would look at her for a brief second, only to turn around and realize she was gone. That girl could wiggle and slither her way anywhere when she first began to find out she could move on her own. When she began walking, my anxiety grew. Every room, table, corner or furniture I had seemed like it would reach out and attack her. It wasn't easy for me to let her be alone in a room for fear she would fall or hurt herself. Zach is much easier at this with his care free attitude and calm demeanor. Why couldn't I be that way?
Last week my sister in law was in town and we were chatting in the living room while Lily was playing by herself in a room right next door. Suddenly we heard a terrible scream and I rushed in to find her clutching her foot in pain. She had stepped on a plastic candle nearby and the flame of the candle had a sharp point on the end which had punctured a hole and drew some blood. After consoling her, I brought her upstairs to put pajamas on. As I laid her on her changing table, I felt dizzy, hot and nausea. I knew I'd probably need to sit down so I put one hand on the changing table and crouched down.
The next thing I knew I felt like I had awoke from a dream. I heard Lily screaming and opened my eyes. I was laying flat on the ground, hot and sticky with sweat. I had fainted in front of Lily and she must have been so scared to see me go down. I called for Zach and my sister in law to come upstairs where they rushed to ask me what had happened. Lily, thankfully, was still on the changing table and Zach scooped her up to again calm her down. My sister-in-law is a nurse and she immediately went into action, grabbing a cold rag and telling me to take deep breaths and my heart was racing. After about 10 minutes, I felt better and realized I must have had an anxiety attack due to seeing Lily in pain and I panicked.
Anxiety can happen at anytime and thankfully I was in a safe place when my anxiety attack came on. I realize it's not 'normal' to be this way and that's ok. I'm also lucky when it comes to have a spouse who helps me deal with my anxiety and ways to help me. He understand if I need to take a few minutes to myself, or if he sees me start to panic, offers to help me by talking about it. Why do you think you're feeling anxious? What can I help to do? Having a friend, a relative or someone you care about who understands you is a blessing and those that you need to surround yourself with. And for those of you out there that may not feel like someone will listen, I will. I'm always here, day or not to talk to you so never feel ashamed. Anxiety is a constant battle and one that shouldn't be taken lightly. I promise, you're not alone.
Do you have anxiety and if so, how do you cope?